As complex as this is for the adults involved in this process, it is even more difficult to understand the implications for the children of the relationship, not least because, while parents can divorce each other, parents cannot divorce their children, or indeed children divorce their parents. Once a parent means being a parent forever. Other parenting figures may come and go, but dad remains dad and mum remains mum no matter what other factors come into play in a child's life.
If we begin to look at the process that the children may be going through, however, we see that the process is very similar, that it also involves many changes and can be just, if not more, difficult.
• Stage 1: they have to come to accept the fact that their parents' relationship is over.
• Stage 2: they find this painful to varying degrees.
• Stage 3: because of changing roles and living circumstances - and perhaps other factors - the child's relationship with a parent may undergo significant change such that the child has to claw back some of the emotion invested in the parent, particularly if the parent is absent.
• Stage 4: they adapt to the changed family circumstances of their life, thrive emotionally, and if necessary accept new adults into their lives who may take over, or complement, the parenting role.
This will, of course, happen in the same way that the parent goes through a similar progression. However, the stages will not necessarily be concurrent and it is most likely that a child experiencing the four processes will be out of step with the process of the grieving parent.
Moreover, the ultimate aim of the adult is to disentangle from the relationship and move on to other relationships, while it is often preferable for the child to retain a very positive ongoing relationship with the absent parent. It is often this mismatch between the caring parent and the child that leads to complex difficulties, which we will revisit later in this book; at this stage we are simply flagging up that all concerned in this relationship breakdown are going through a very complex, painful and emotional experience.
2008/12/18
The Process of Change
The specific circumstances of any divorce are unique to the individuals involved, but there are many common factors, and the first is that most parents are likely to be emotionally upset, or even traumatised, by the breakdown of such an important relationship. Of course, there will be parents who are very pleased indeed to be liberated from what may have been a damaging relationship. Even so, it is difficult to disentangle oneself from such an intrinsic part of one's life without undergoing some degree of emotional turmoil, and during this phase almost all parents feel at some level overwhelmed by the circumstances in which they find themselves.
As well as this significant emotional trauma, they are likely to have to maintain their normal everyday activities and still be able to undertake the day-to-day care of their children at a time when they are struggling to cope with their own feelings. This does put a lot of pressure on parents, which is why they may be less aware of the thoughts, feelings and behaviour of their children than they would normally be. This is not to lay blame, but simply to explain why children's problems can sometimes go unnoticed by even the most caring and competent of parents.
Of course, children too are traumatised by the process of divorce, which will inevitably lead to disruptions in important relationships, as well as other significant changes in their young lives. It is not unusual for children involved in a divorce to have to move home, bringing changes to their social and educational ties. At the same time, the family's financial status may be altered, which could affect other areas of their lives. In addition, how the parents conduct themselves, especially in their dealings with each other, during this very difficult phase could have a massive direct impact on everyone involved and the children in particular.
Very competent parents can suddenly become less competent when faced with such trauma. Therefore, in addition to the direct impact, the children going through the difficulty of divorce may - for a time and for perfectly understandable reasons - lose a degree of normal support from parents who up until now had provided them with very good care indeed.
It is only too obvious that, faced with all these potential difficulties, children can become very upset and distressed. Later in the blog, we will discuss ways of ensuring that parents are prepared with the capabilities to provide the best possible ongoing care for their children, even through this inevitably difficult phase.
It is important to reiterate that every relationship breakdown is unique, with huge differences in individual circumstances. The ending of an abusive or otherwise controlling relationship may be recognised as a definitely positive change to some. On the other hand, many parents are shocked and disturbed when faced with a relationship breakdown that they were simply not expecting; one partner may have suddenly announced his or her intention to end a relationship that the other partner felt was good. Under these circumstances, the partner concerned is likely to experience a range of emotions, including distress, feelings of betrayal and extremes of anger. It is also entirely possible that a breakdown comes as the culmination of many years of increasing emotional distancing by both parents equally — the partnership has come to a natural end and both adults are ready and willing to move on - to the extent that only practical issues need to be resolved and emotional trauma plays little or no part.
As well as differences in these potential scenarios of divorce, of course, how individuals respond to a particular situation will differ too. It is invariably the case that some individuals are more emotionally self-sufficient than others. We each have our individual temperament and, of course, we each have our individual life experience that has shaped the person that we are at any particular time. Individuals who have always been emotionally strong and who have a history of surviving difficulties well are likely to cope better with separation and divorce than those who do not have such a robust temperament and who find emotional problems more difficult to cope with.
As well as this significant emotional trauma, they are likely to have to maintain their normal everyday activities and still be able to undertake the day-to-day care of their children at a time when they are struggling to cope with their own feelings. This does put a lot of pressure on parents, which is why they may be less aware of the thoughts, feelings and behaviour of their children than they would normally be. This is not to lay blame, but simply to explain why children's problems can sometimes go unnoticed by even the most caring and competent of parents.
Of course, children too are traumatised by the process of divorce, which will inevitably lead to disruptions in important relationships, as well as other significant changes in their young lives. It is not unusual for children involved in a divorce to have to move home, bringing changes to their social and educational ties. At the same time, the family's financial status may be altered, which could affect other areas of their lives. In addition, how the parents conduct themselves, especially in their dealings with each other, during this very difficult phase could have a massive direct impact on everyone involved and the children in particular.
Very competent parents can suddenly become less competent when faced with such trauma. Therefore, in addition to the direct impact, the children going through the difficulty of divorce may - for a time and for perfectly understandable reasons - lose a degree of normal support from parents who up until now had provided them with very good care indeed.
It is only too obvious that, faced with all these potential difficulties, children can become very upset and distressed. Later in the blog, we will discuss ways of ensuring that parents are prepared with the capabilities to provide the best possible ongoing care for their children, even through this inevitably difficult phase.
It is important to reiterate that every relationship breakdown is unique, with huge differences in individual circumstances. The ending of an abusive or otherwise controlling relationship may be recognised as a definitely positive change to some. On the other hand, many parents are shocked and disturbed when faced with a relationship breakdown that they were simply not expecting; one partner may have suddenly announced his or her intention to end a relationship that the other partner felt was good. Under these circumstances, the partner concerned is likely to experience a range of emotions, including distress, feelings of betrayal and extremes of anger. It is also entirely possible that a breakdown comes as the culmination of many years of increasing emotional distancing by both parents equally — the partnership has come to a natural end and both adults are ready and willing to move on - to the extent that only practical issues need to be resolved and emotional trauma plays little or no part.
As well as differences in these potential scenarios of divorce, of course, how individuals respond to a particular situation will differ too. It is invariably the case that some individuals are more emotionally self-sufficient than others. We each have our individual temperament and, of course, we each have our individual life experience that has shaped the person that we are at any particular time. Individuals who have always been emotionally strong and who have a history of surviving difficulties well are likely to cope better with separation and divorce than those who do not have such a robust temperament and who find emotional problems more difficult to cope with.
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