How children experience the process

As complex as this is for the adults involved in this process, it is even more difficult to understand the implications for the children of the relationship, not least because, while parents can divorce each other, parents cannot divorce their children, or indeed children divorce their parents. Once a parent means being a parent forever. Other parenting figures may come and go, but dad remains dad and mum remains mum no matter what other factors come into play in a child's life.
If we begin to look at the process that the children may be going through, however, we see that the process is very similar, that it also involves many changes and can be just, if not more, difficult.

• Stage 1: they have to come to accept the fact that their parents' relationship is over.
• Stage 2: they find this painful to varying degrees.
• Stage 3: because of changing roles and living circumstances - and perhaps other factors - the child's relationship with a parent may undergo significant change such that the child has to claw back some of the emotion invested in the parent, particularly if the parent is absent.
• Stage 4: they adapt to the changed family circumstances of their life, thrive emotionally, and if necessary accept new adults into their lives who may take over, or complement, the parenting role.

This will, of course, happen in the same way that the parent goes through a similar progression. However, the stages will not necessarily be concurrent and it is most likely that a child experiencing the four processes will be out of step with the process of the grieving parent.
Moreover, the ultimate aim of the adult is to disentangle from the relationship and move on to other relationships, while it is often preferable for the child to retain a very positive ongoing relationship with the absent parent. It is often this mismatch between the caring parent and the child that leads to complex difficulties, which we will revisit later in this book; at this stage we are simply flagging up that all concerned in this relationship breakdown are going through a very complex, painful and emotional experience.